People whose romantic relationships or marriages are going through a rough patch often turn to couples counselling in an attempt to improve the quality of their relationships. A relatively common view among the general public is that counselling will either help a relationship, or, in the worst case scenario, will be unable to prevent a relationship from falling apart. What might be surprising to learn, however, is that in some cases, couples counselling might actively hasten the irreparable breakdown of a relationship. Read on to find out why couples counselling is, in fact, a double-edged sword.
Understanding couples counselling
Couples counselling (also known as couples therapy) is a kind of therapeutic intervention that aims to resolve interpersonal issues between romantic partners so that their relationship can survive or improve. It involves a couple regularly meeting with a trained psychologist, who ideally:
– sets the agenda for each session.
– guides the couple through discussions of what each partner’s perspective and expectations are.
– brings the partners closer together by improving their understanding of each other.
– empowers them by teaching them techniques they can use during times of conflict.
As rosy as that sounds, however, there are many reasons why counselling might end up not working for a given couple. For instance, if one of the partners has already decided to leave the other partner, or if one of the partners approaches counselling with a counterproductive agenda (such as wanting to prove that they are right about most things), then counselling is unlikely to help.
The potential hazards of couples counselling
In certain cases, counselling might not just fail but might actually be an active contributor to the end of a relationship. Just so that we have analysed both sides thoroughly, here are some of the most common reasons why couples counselling can sometimes end up sounding the death knell for an already-tottering relationship.
- Not choosing the right therapist or counsellor
Picking a counsellor who might not be the right fit for you or your troubles in particular, can easily have a detrimental impact on the therapeutic process. Sometimes, if they are not experienced enough, the resources and techniques that work wonderfully well with certain individuals, can easily fall apart in the face of strong emotions and bitterness that other couples bring to the therapy chambers. In some cases, their outlook or personality traits might not gel well with yours.
If your sessions often devolve into heated shouting matches with your counsellor helplessly looking on, or your sessions turn into a meandering series of questions with no clear sense of purpose or structure, then there’s a good chance your counsellor just isn’t ‘the right one’ for you, to navigate the choppy waters of couples counselling. In such a scenario, it never hurts to shop around for a better fit.
- Getting couples counselling when you actually need individual therapy
Quite often, the underlying causes of interpersonal conflict are various kinds of trauma that one or both partners have experienced. Such issues are typically difficult to identify and are best dealt through individual therapy instead. Persisting with couples counselling in such a scenario is unlikely to help in any long-lasting way, and might even worsen matters due to the frustration that is likely to be involved.
- An abusive partner
Couples counselling can be used by an abusive partner to further harm their victim in various ways, such as:
– Lying and gaslighting during sessions
– Retaliating with more abuse for the negative things their partner says during sessions
– Wielding concepts learned during counselling against their victim
Ultimately, such an escalation of abuse, indirectly enabled by couples counselling, can take a relationship from a point where some healing is still possible to a point of no return.
- The riskiness of therapeutic openness
For counselling to be as effective as possible, couples typically have to be very honest about their feelings and expectations. However, this also means that a fair amount of harsh criticism might be unveiled during sessions, which can create a great deal of resentment in the partner being criticised. Such resentment, coming as it does at a point where a relationship is at its most vulnerable, can spell doom for the future of the relationship.
Takeaways
If you’re already seeing a couples counsellor or are considering doing so, what’s most important is that you be aware of these potential pitfalls and keep an eye out for them. Getting a counsellor who is sufficiently experienced, self-aware, and skilled might take some time, but it will most likely be worth it. And remember that if you’re in an abusive relationship, only counselling is unlikely to improve the situation. If you’re looking for a way out, you should approach organisations dedicated to tackling abusive situations instead.